I have almost completed my first four-day work week. The hours are long, but I think that I will like it if things ever pick up. Tuesday seemed to fly by, and I had a steady stream of work. Wednesday started slowing, and Thursday has been abominably sluggish. I’m looking forward to the weekend, but as always, the forecast calls for rain. I beginning to wonder if we’ll ever have a clear weekend to take David to Thomas Town. We desperately need a few soakers, however, so I will content myself with some indoor organizing and a good book if showers prevail.
My writings are generally restricted to the common knowledge aspects of my family and personal life, but I feel like sharing some deeper struggles.
Last weekend, Johnathan came to bed around 1:00 am and woke me from sound sleep. I had been crampy and exhausted all day, so he asked if I was feeling okay. I absently answered “yes”, but then began to overanalyze the situation. Surely something must be wrong for him to have been asking me that question. I have been known to do odd things when sleep is interrupted, so it’s not very surprising that my brain took this turn. I began to feel very strange and quickly got up for a drink of water. I felt sick and dizzy. Panic hit like a wave, and I spent the next twenty minutes shaking uncontrollably. My heart was pounding, and I felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath. Johnathan put his arms around me, and I asked him to please talk about something to distract me. My “episode” finally edged away, and I eventually drifted into a further-undisturbed sleep. It was quite possibly the worst experience I have ever had. I think that the trigger was wacky hormones. I’m just getting back on cycle after two years of absence (due to pregnancy and breast-feeding). It can’t be an easy adjustment for my body. Moving too quickly made me dizzy and my frazzled nerves did the rest. I’m recognizing triggers like caffeine and sugar, but ultimately, I have to admit that I’m struggling with anxiety issues.
I have been much less anxious this week. When I admit that I have no control over the world around me, I feel an ironic calm settle in. God controls my life from second to second, and I am incapable of drawing my next breath without Him allowing it to happen. If I can acknowledge this, why do I persist in thinking that irrational fear can accomplish anything? I am generally happy and often pleased by the simplest aspects of our world. This seems in direct contrast with the woman who gets a cold and vaguely wonders if it’s the beginning of a life=threatening illness. As a therapist, I know how to help others overcome barriers, so why is it so difficult to apply the same knowledge to myself?
A close family friend suggested that perhaps I have tried to keep too many emotions bottled up. I think this is a large part of my problem. I never addressed hurt and anger, but tried to bury them in an attempt to shield those around me. Sure, I’ve had outbursts. I’ve talked on and off to individuals about what I feel, but ultimately hate “burdening others.” As a result, I’m still carrying a lot of crap around that boils over at inopportune moments. I’m not ashamed to admit this because it’s a step in the right direction. I’m here. I’m acknowledging that I need to get things straight, and I’m putting it out there in order to keep me accountable. Part of it is probably genetic predisposition. I have been skittish and easily freaked out for as long as I can remember. Part of it is declining diet and lack of sleep. I stopped being as strict about food when I got married. As a result, I take in too much sugar, caffeine, and carbs and not nearly enough fruits, whole grains, vegetables, and water. Sleep might play the biggest role of all. I drift to sleep well after I should and often wake several times during the night. I’m always tired. Exhaustion and bad food makes me dizzy. Hormones make me a mess. Feeling dizzy and messy makes me panic. Panicking leads to an attack, which continues to feed the fire.
It seems so absurd to see all of this in type, but as illogical as it seems, it is something that I deal with. Anxiety is a roller coaster for me, and I will often go for long stretches without dealing with bouts. It has increased since marriage, babies, debt, and my parent’s divorce. It has increased since a lapse in my spiritual walk. I’m beginning by getting the last aspect back on track. I will devote time to prayer and study. I also hope to become more organized and educate myself about finances. I have to learn to accept things for what they are and make the best of every situation.
My problems are minor compared to starving children or individuals living in war-torn cities. I have been blessed beyond measure and have no excuse for continuing to allow this to have its way in my life. I’m stronger than that. I’m capable and creative. I’m feeling insanely better simply by getting this out in the open. I’m not going to worry about what people might think when they read this. I’m not attention-seeking or overly dramatic. If you don’t understand what it’s like to be here, consider yourself fortunate and enjoy your life. If you do understand, know that you’re not alone.
The idea that life’s purpose centers around God has been a recurring theme lately. We are designed by God and for His purposes. Our happiness is through Him, and trying to discover purpose and fulfillment through ourselves is pointless. I am currently pondering the thought that God intended for me to be just as I am. He has a purpose for my good points, bad points, strengths, and weaknesses. How reassuring.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Pictures
These are my latest favorites.
Savannah
Moo.
Sunset on Lanier
Sunset on Lanier
Sunset on Lanier
Holding hands
Drawing
Artists in the making
Pictures from Erin’s wedding and pre-wedding
Jessi-poo and Em
When it comes to hugs or food, Emily would rather have the food...
Crew
Father and daughter
Bride and groom
Kiss kiss
Crew...again
...and again
Kids
Swing swing
Sleep sleep
Baby’s corner
Learning
What?
Playing
Working
Pictures from the McGowan’s 60th anniversary
Kisses
Great-Grandpa
Little family
Bigger family
Thanks to Johnathan...
Friday, June 06, 2008
Days go by
Last weekend was a weekend to be remembered.
I opened my eyes on Saturday morning as a squirmy three-year-old wallowed into bed and asked, “Hey, are you ready for breakfast?” I wasn’t ready for breakfast, and I certainly wasn’t ready to climb out of bed, but children have no regard for weekend slumber. While David munched on cereal, I checked my email for the first time in a week and mentally jotted a to-do list for the day.
Johnathan began cutting grass around noon, so the kids and I piled into the car for a trip to the bank. Forty-five minutes and one Chick-fil-A meal later, we milled around the store, waiting for my oil change to be completed. Loaded down with garden supplies and a few food items, we continued our wait in the automotive section. While paying my bill, I was informed that my tires are thin and that my transmission is leaking. Joy. I shrugged off the abhorrent thought of more money out of pocket and prepared for an evening out with Hannah. Slightly overdressed, we made our way to the theater for a crowded showing of Sex and the City. Having seen limited unedited episodes, there were a few shocking moments, but equally as many enjoyable ones. We then had dinner outdoors under happily twinkling lights and savored the approach of summertime. We returned home with Starbucks, and I insisted that Johnathan introduce Hannah to Mitch Hedberg before she left for the evening. Shortly after, I curled under the covers and slept contentedly until morning.
Sunday dawned gray and stormy, and the kids and I sloshed our way to church sans umbrella. I always know where the umbrellas are unless it happens to be raining outside. Oh, irony. David thoroughly enjoyed his first experience in a kids church setting and came home reading Ephesians 4:32. Since then, the verse has become a little reminder whenever David and I start squabbling. After a pancake lunch, David left for an overnight stay with Art and Suzanne. I began preparing the house for quests while Emily followed me around like a happy little shadow. Around seven, the crew of friends popped in for an evening of fondue and board games. It was wonderful to relax and have fun. For the first time in ages, I felt young and colorful. It’s a strange statement for a twenty-three-year-old to make, but if you’ve been there, you understand. We enjoyed the time together and laughed as of old, but as I glanced around the circle, I noted changed faces. Life has become so much more serious. Eyes are wiser and smiles are tempered with experience. Still, there is a sense of anticipation and excitement. Erin will be married in a small ceremony this weekend and will begin teaching high school biology this fall. Kristin will continue to brave the tempestuous seas of middle school education. Jessica will shake the dust off of her feet and relocate to Los Angeles for the next year. I can’t imagine my girl being so very far away, and I already miss her keenly. Cassandra and I continue to ride the ups and downs of parenthood, and Katy is still on Friendly Avenue in Kalamazoo. Sounds a bit like Dr. Seuess. We are slowly divided by new families, responsibilities, and explorations, but we always pick up conversation as if we never ended. Our lives will never run parallel like they used to, but as long as they continue to intersect often, I can be quite content. Our friendship has lasted through middle school, high school, college, and the beginning of our professional lives. I love my girls like crazy, and I look forward to many more evenings together in our future. Whew. I teared up on that last bit, which means that I should switch gears to something more uplifting.
The week has come and gone with bursts of sunshine and many happy moments spent in my grandparent’s home. I found myself there several times this week, and I was continually compelled to pull up a chair and chat for a while. Some places never lose their comfort.
I had a biopsy of my cervix yesterday, so now it’s just a waiting game...with a bit of annoying cramping. The doctor saw one small spot and said that the biopsy itself probably got most (if not all) of the abnormal tissue. Best case scenario: it’s a mild abnormality that will need monitoring, but will more than likely disappear on its own. Today’s skies are too clear for me to think about other possible scenarios. I feel very blessed today.
I opened my eyes on Saturday morning as a squirmy three-year-old wallowed into bed and asked, “Hey, are you ready for breakfast?” I wasn’t ready for breakfast, and I certainly wasn’t ready to climb out of bed, but children have no regard for weekend slumber. While David munched on cereal, I checked my email for the first time in a week and mentally jotted a to-do list for the day.
Johnathan began cutting grass around noon, so the kids and I piled into the car for a trip to the bank. Forty-five minutes and one Chick-fil-A meal later, we milled around the store, waiting for my oil change to be completed. Loaded down with garden supplies and a few food items, we continued our wait in the automotive section. While paying my bill, I was informed that my tires are thin and that my transmission is leaking. Joy. I shrugged off the abhorrent thought of more money out of pocket and prepared for an evening out with Hannah. Slightly overdressed, we made our way to the theater for a crowded showing of Sex and the City. Having seen limited unedited episodes, there were a few shocking moments, but equally as many enjoyable ones. We then had dinner outdoors under happily twinkling lights and savored the approach of summertime. We returned home with Starbucks, and I insisted that Johnathan introduce Hannah to Mitch Hedberg before she left for the evening. Shortly after, I curled under the covers and slept contentedly until morning.
Sunday dawned gray and stormy, and the kids and I sloshed our way to church sans umbrella. I always know where the umbrellas are unless it happens to be raining outside. Oh, irony. David thoroughly enjoyed his first experience in a kids church setting and came home reading Ephesians 4:32. Since then, the verse has become a little reminder whenever David and I start squabbling. After a pancake lunch, David left for an overnight stay with Art and Suzanne. I began preparing the house for quests while Emily followed me around like a happy little shadow. Around seven, the crew of friends popped in for an evening of fondue and board games. It was wonderful to relax and have fun. For the first time in ages, I felt young and colorful. It’s a strange statement for a twenty-three-year-old to make, but if you’ve been there, you understand. We enjoyed the time together and laughed as of old, but as I glanced around the circle, I noted changed faces. Life has become so much more serious. Eyes are wiser and smiles are tempered with experience. Still, there is a sense of anticipation and excitement. Erin will be married in a small ceremony this weekend and will begin teaching high school biology this fall. Kristin will continue to brave the tempestuous seas of middle school education. Jessica will shake the dust off of her feet and relocate to Los Angeles for the next year. I can’t imagine my girl being so very far away, and I already miss her keenly. Cassandra and I continue to ride the ups and downs of parenthood, and Katy is still on Friendly Avenue in Kalamazoo. Sounds a bit like Dr. Seuess. We are slowly divided by new families, responsibilities, and explorations, but we always pick up conversation as if we never ended. Our lives will never run parallel like they used to, but as long as they continue to intersect often, I can be quite content. Our friendship has lasted through middle school, high school, college, and the beginning of our professional lives. I love my girls like crazy, and I look forward to many more evenings together in our future. Whew. I teared up on that last bit, which means that I should switch gears to something more uplifting.
The week has come and gone with bursts of sunshine and many happy moments spent in my grandparent’s home. I found myself there several times this week, and I was continually compelled to pull up a chair and chat for a while. Some places never lose their comfort.
I had a biopsy of my cervix yesterday, so now it’s just a waiting game...with a bit of annoying cramping. The doctor saw one small spot and said that the biopsy itself probably got most (if not all) of the abnormal tissue. Best case scenario: it’s a mild abnormality that will need monitoring, but will more than likely disappear on its own. Today’s skies are too clear for me to think about other possible scenarios. I feel very blessed today.
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